Tuesday, October 26, 2010


Okay so I'm working in this China, teaching spoken English and studying at university.
I work in a kindergarten on weeknights and weekends for extra cash since it's pretty simple.
Just turn up and read out of this book, about ABCs and cats and dogs and shit for an hr.

Anyway I was in this class of 4 yr olds who are normally pretty well behaved, even if they don't understand what's going on most the time.
But today there was this one little shit who was obviously tired and didn't want to learn any more.
He's running around in circles and avoiding me when I try to catch him.
I finally just yell his name and point to his seat.
He responds by pulling down his pants and exposing his penis then jumping around so it flops up and down.
I cringe away. "OH Jesus, dude what the fuck, you little fucker."
Luckily, they don't repeat everything I say.

So I manage to get hold of him, grab his pants and pull them up while he giggles. I then manhandle him back into his seat and using body language and pointing and simple words, try to make it understood that if he keeps misbehaving I will throw him out of the classroom.

Yeah, this makes him sit still for about 3 minutes.

Then he's back to running around again only this time he's grabbing other kids shit and throwing it around.
I figure I'm going to have to go get the normal teachers since if the kids can't repeat at least one thing from my class, even if its just a letter, then I don't get paid.
But before I can go out the door, this other little boy starts howling.
It seems the little shit had punched him in the face.
So now the bastards sitting down in his seat, looking shit scared and yelling sorry to the crying boy over and over.
"Nuh-uh, you little bastard. You're going outside this time." I say.

He must have figured out what I meant since he then runs and sucker attaches himself to my crotch basically.
Hugging me around the top of my thighs while screaming in chinese. "I LOVE YOU TEACHER I LOVE YOU I STAY HERE"
Since I'm not a pedo, this made me really uncomfortable and I tried to pry him off.
Of course, this suddenly seemed like a great idea to all the other kids who zerg rush me.

So now I got about 20 four year olds trying to hug my knees while screaming at me with one girl sitting on the floor  crying because she couldn't get close enough to hug and another boy sobbing in his chair because his face hurts.
I'm wondering where the fuck the normal teachers are, can't they hear this goddamn commotion? I'm dying in here.

Prying them off one by one isn't working so I try a different tactic.
"AWWW okay group hug! 1, 2, 3, everybody! AWWWW! okay, okay, enough. Time to sit back down."
All the kids move away back to their seats.... except of course for that one little shit who's grinning at me.
"Okay, seriously buddy. Time to sit down." I grab his arms and manage to get him off for about 10 seconds.
Then he twists loose, screams "NO" (in English of course this time, little fucker) and smashes his face back into my groin while getting a better hold of me..... by grabbing onto my ass tightly.

My face goes like O_O and all I can think of is; "oh god, oh shit, oh god, I am so fucked if one of those teachers walks in here and see's a 4yr old with his face buried in my crotch and his hands full of my ass."
At this point, I'm starting to think getting out as quick as possible is the best solution.
So I hobble a few steps, manage to get the kid twisted around so his face is pressed against my hip and I try to resume the lesson.
All the other kids are giggling at him, so he starts to attention whore.

He starts to kiss my thigh while saying stupid shit in chinese.
"I love teacher, she is my mummy! I love my mummy!"
Well apparently this is just fucken hilarious so all the other kids jump up again and zerg rush to kiss what ever part of me they could grab.
The book goes flying while they grab hold of my arms and kiss them all over with wet sticky mouths.

Shudder. So unclean.
All the while trying to top each other in the funny stakes at the top of their lungs.
"Teacher is my uncle! Teacher is my dog! I love teacher daddy!"
Jesus fucking christ I've got a headache.

I manage to shoo them all back to their seats, roughly grab the little shit-stirrer and slam him down into his and work out I've got maybe 5 minutes max before they start misbehaving again.
So I'm like fuck it.

I grab the book, find the first thing in the lesson I can and scream "CIRCLE!" while drawing one on the board. "CIRCLE, CIRCLE, CIRCLE."

I keep screaming it until they say it after me.

Once I figure some kid will be able to repeat it when tested, I just walk out.

Fuck it man.
I make my escape and after a few minutes start to lol, imagining some old /b/ pedo getting the same treatment and dying of a heartattack of joy.

Fucken kids man, never have them.

Also.....was I just molested by a group of 4yr olds? o_O

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